WEBVTT 00:02.326 --> 00:29.413 okay good evening everyone welcome to our evening Dhamma so last night one of the things that came up was friendship 00:32.988 --> 00:35.552 Friendship with the good, friendship with the evil. 00:37.134 --> 00:38.636 Good friends, bad friends. 00:42.482 --> 00:49.812 Thought I'd do to spend a little bit of time talking about friendship according to Buddhism. 00:51.815 --> 00:52.977 Friendship's a curious thing. 00:53.578 --> 00:59.907 I would say friendship 01:02.013 --> 01:15.453 in many cases, is something that misleads us from right and wrong, from good and bad. 01:18.658 --> 01:22.143 We find ourselves caught up with people because they're my friend. 01:23.625 --> 01:24.727 It's a curious phrase. 01:24.747 --> 01:28.172 It's a curious excuse or reason for doing something. 01:30.636 --> 01:31.497 Now, if we mean that 01:34.430 --> 01:37.634 We owe them something, a debt of gratitude perhaps. 01:39.016 --> 01:39.797 That's reasonable. 01:41.960 --> 01:43.101 But it tends to be more than that. 01:43.121 --> 01:46.225 We identify with individuals. 01:48.869 --> 01:58.421 From Buddha's perspective, it's quite possible that we've had some connection coming from past lives with certain people. 01:59.302 --> 02:00.083 You notice how 02:01.683 --> 02:06.368 Sometimes you're just unable to make a connection with people. 02:06.448 --> 02:11.834 You might think, well, that's someone I'd like to get to know, but maybe they don't want to have anything to do with you. 02:12.535 --> 02:18.081 Or you look at someone and there's just no connection. 02:20.763 --> 02:22.025 Just faces in the crowd. 02:23.667 --> 02:25.448 When you talk to them, there's no connection. 02:25.508 --> 02:30.694 But other people, you find yourself caught up with them perhaps your whole life. 02:33.425 --> 02:36.029 and you identify with them as being a friend. 02:41.877 --> 02:51.591 Even with a debt of gratitude, though, I don't think there's any reason we should let that color the way we relate to others. 02:56.237 --> 03:01.805 Let people drag us down the wrong path just because they've done good for us in the past. 03:01.825 --> 03:03.027 We don't want to abandon them. 03:06.466 --> 03:09.169 certainly not the right way, it doesn't help us, it doesn't help them. 03:13.895 --> 03:25.109 Even spend all our time and energy trying to help an individual who doesn't want to be helped. 03:26.070 --> 03:34.060 They're going down a destructive path and spend all your energy trying to dissuade them even when the evidence clearly 03:35.980 --> 03:48.372 shows that they're not to be dissuaded from their path. 03:48.392 --> 03:49.834 Friendship is taken quite seriously. 03:49.874 --> 03:59.463 It's something important in Buddhism, something we have to see in its proper light. 04:02.526 --> 04:03.507 Friendship is 04:05.697 --> 04:06.358 Well, two things. 04:06.418 --> 04:08.981 First of all, friendship involves friendliness. 04:10.643 --> 04:12.565 And ideally, we're friendly towards everyone. 04:13.146 --> 04:15.048 It would be nice if we could all be friends. 04:15.168 --> 04:16.530 There's no question about that. 04:18.873 --> 04:22.838 We should be a good friend, really to everyone. 04:23.459 --> 04:28.785 And having the attitude of being friendly towards all people, I think, is perfectly valid. 04:30.976 --> 04:36.642 There's never a reason to be cruel or mean or unkind to others. 04:41.767 --> 04:57.203 Sometimes your kindness takes the form of limiting your engagement with people for their benefit, for your benefit, for the general goodness of you both. 05:00.220 --> 05:01.661 but it should never be cruel or mean. 05:02.522 --> 05:20.621 And sometimes, sometimes karma and past life relationships means, well most of us, it means we have to be involved with people who we wouldn't otherwise be inclined to be involved with. 05:23.023 --> 05:26.987 And in fact that makes it all the more important to be kind and to be friendly because 05:28.908 --> 05:34.778 It'll be a source for constant or common conflict. 05:34.799 --> 05:48.503 If we have bad karma with someone and our inclination is to constantly be in conflict with them, then that should be a very important part of our meditation practice, is learning to overcome that conflict. 05:50.305 --> 06:04.478 learning to change the course of our journey in samsara so that we don't get caught up in the same cycles of vengeance and conflict that we were caught up in before. 06:12.726 --> 06:16.390 But the second thing is that it's important to be careful. 06:18.852 --> 06:19.873 Careful who we 06:21.642 --> 06:27.649 whose company and whose friendship we cultivate. 06:30.632 --> 06:42.165 For some people we be a good friend and that can be great if we have something to provide to them and if they're keen to improve through our friendship, that's great. 06:44.527 --> 06:46.890 But then there are people who seek only to 06:50.414 --> 07:00.864 to drag us down, whose very nature is detrimental to themselves and to those who would call them friends. 07:03.267 --> 07:05.729 And those people you have to be careful with. 07:05.749 --> 07:12.997 You can be compassionate and kind, but you should never consider them as proper friends. 07:18.722 --> 07:20.404 So the Buddha talked about 07:21.987 --> 07:27.132 In the Dīgha Nikāya he talked about different types of friends. 07:29.034 --> 07:32.458 Those who appear to be friends but are not really friends. 07:32.818 --> 07:38.524 And these are the most common mistaken friends that we come across. 07:41.006 --> 07:46.712 If someone's unfriendly and someone is clearly not your friend, you're not likely to 07:47.857 --> 07:57.306 to see them as your friend, but there are ways by which, as I said, we mistakenly come into friendship. 08:00.068 --> 08:02.090 The Buddha outlined a number of these. 08:02.130 --> 08:16.564 He talked about the friend who only takes 08:19.362 --> 08:19.923 the taker. 08:21.485 --> 08:40.712 So people who are constantly after you for benefit, for their own benefit. 08:43.105 --> 08:51.898 And you can see this, you can see the insincerity and the sort of the mental illness involved. 08:53.200 --> 09:00.210 It's quite pitiful, really, when people are not able to give. 09:01.552 --> 09:06.700 It's a common, you might say, mental illness of sorts. 09:08.198 --> 09:14.126 I phrase it in this way because normally we think, well, that person's just selfish and mean, and we get very upset at them. 09:14.146 --> 09:15.468 But you really shouldn't be. 09:15.508 --> 09:25.180 You should pity such a person, a person who constantly wants, who constantly takes. 09:31.469 --> 09:32.470 They take everything. 09:33.391 --> 09:37.817 They'll give you little useless things, useless help, 09:39.350 --> 09:41.673 and expect much more in response. 09:44.958 --> 09:45.579 They'll help you. 09:46.000 --> 09:47.722 When they do help you, they help you out of fear. 09:49.405 --> 10:04.066 They do it not because they're keen at all or interested at all in your benefit, but because they know they feel that they have to in order to get from you. 10:05.488 --> 10:08.833 And the Mooch, someone to be pitied, 10:10.501 --> 10:12.284 not pitied by giving them whatever they want. 10:12.364 --> 10:16.631 Of course, the worst thing you can do for someone, anyone, is give them whatever they want. 10:20.137 --> 10:28.211 But we understood that this is a person who needs a different kind of help, probably need to be cut off. 10:30.435 --> 10:32.098 It's only a person that drags you down. 10:32.118 --> 10:35.884 You don't help them by giving them everything. 10:39.779 --> 10:41.501 The second one is a person who talks. 10:43.624 --> 10:52.095 In Thai they say ,, which means they're only good in speech. 10:54.178 --> 10:59.965 They never actually do anything friendly or helpful to their friends. 11:03.640 --> 11:06.925 They talk about good deeds they've done for you in the past. 11:07.005 --> 11:10.510 They remind you of all the good things they've done for you. 11:11.972 --> 11:15.877 And they make grand promises about the future. 11:15.897 --> 11:20.965 It's funny, there was a man who did this to me in Thailand. 11:20.985 --> 11:26.813 We were in Thailand and this was I don't know how many years ago, but 11:30.202 --> 11:31.263 Not so many years ago. 11:32.465 --> 11:33.967 And he talked such a good game. 11:34.248 --> 11:40.216 He told me about all the millions of dollars that he used to have and that he was going to have. 11:40.276 --> 11:41.017 And he promised. 11:42.499 --> 11:43.060 I helped him. 11:43.220 --> 11:47.266 I was helping him get into being a monk. 11:47.907 --> 11:49.108 He was a temporary monk. 11:49.148 --> 11:57.660 And he said, oh, when I disrobe, I'm going to make all this money and I'm going to build you a meditation center in Canada and talk to all this. 11:58.383 --> 12:00.907 And I only really half believed him, but I thought he was sincere. 12:00.967 --> 12:03.871 I just thought, oh yeah, well, you know, who knows the future. 12:04.612 --> 12:07.516 But I was like, great, well, if it happens, it happens. 12:07.556 --> 12:12.464 But it turns out he was just, it was a total scam, really. 12:14.286 --> 12:25.723 He was really just, I don't know, it was bizarre, because I never ended up giving him, and I didn't have anything great to give him, but... 12:27.003 --> 12:29.767 In the end, it just turned out to be his way of using me. 12:30.989 --> 12:33.033 It seems like the sort of thing that he does. 12:33.073 --> 12:34.074 Really interesting case. 12:36.298 --> 12:37.019 Pitiful, really. 12:40.445 --> 12:48.398 It's unpleasant to think that people get in this state where they will manipulate their fellow humans. 12:48.558 --> 12:51.483 I mean, this is, of course, common for me living in a monastery. 12:51.503 --> 12:54.107 I don't see it nearly as often as most, but 12:55.555 --> 13:00.721 We get so, what's the word, inured to it or desensitized to it. 13:02.984 --> 13:05.867 Or we think it's somehow just the way people behave. 13:05.907 --> 13:19.943 It's how you can't get by in the world without it, which is really unfortunate because it's such an insane way to live. 13:20.684 --> 13:24.128 How can you possibly think that this is the right way to be, the right way to go? 13:27.770 --> 13:33.305 clearly people who don't have a sense of clarity of mind. 13:34.067 --> 13:43.973 Some people just seem to be unable, even though they might pick up the practice of meditation, they're unable to straighten out their minds. 13:55.276 --> 13:57.941 like those Nigerian print scams. 13:58.241 --> 14:01.406 They say, give me some money and I'll give you a lot more. 14:05.574 --> 14:15.190 I mean, our first inclination is to get angry at these people, but it's just so incredibly sad and pitiful that they live that way. 14:16.192 --> 14:17.554 The third is the flatterer. 14:23.845 --> 14:26.409 This should be recognizable to many of you. 14:26.429 --> 14:36.203 This is a person who tells you what a great friend you are and how wonderful you are and praises you and somehow thinks that that's worth something and therefore they should get something in return, right? 14:36.303 --> 14:38.567 Usually that's how this goes. 14:38.587 --> 14:39.769 They feel like flattering you. 14:39.829 --> 14:47.440 By flattering you, well, even just by flattering you, that makes them a good friend. 14:51.031 --> 14:54.234 So they'll praise your good deeds, they'll praise your evil deeds. 14:54.275 --> 14:55.776 The good things you do, they'll praise. 14:56.437 --> 14:57.258 It's very dangerous. 14:58.759 --> 15:02.604 It's clearly a sign of some mental imbalance or some problem. 15:03.505 --> 15:05.266 You might even recognize this in yourselves. 15:05.347 --> 15:06.388 We do this sometimes. 15:07.529 --> 15:10.973 Flattering others, feeling that it makes us a better friend. 15:12.815 --> 15:14.997 Feeling that somehow that'll make them like us more. 15:16.968 --> 15:18.911 It doesn't mean you shouldn't compliment people. 15:18.951 --> 15:22.838 In fact, it is a great thing to appreciate other people's good deeds. 15:25.182 --> 15:27.185 But it should only be their good deeds, right? 15:27.866 --> 15:28.848 You know you're a flatterer. 15:28.908 --> 15:32.614 You know someone's a flatterer when they praise the bad things you do. 15:37.117 --> 15:40.663 when they praise you to your face and disparage you behind your back. 15:41.264 --> 15:43.948 It's a sign that they're just a flatterer. 15:44.610 --> 15:47.535 There's no substance or any wisdom behind what they say. 15:49.498 --> 15:51.101 There's no goodness behind it either. 15:57.912 --> 15:59.715 The fourth is the person who 16:08.993 --> 16:20.826 the person who follows you, or leads you, or is your fellow in ruin. 16:28.062 --> 16:39.740 So this is the person who, the friend that we can all remember having, who was our friend in crime, our partner in crime. 16:42.343 --> 16:43.806 When we get drunk, they get drunk. 16:43.846 --> 16:45.188 They encourage us to get drunk. 16:45.408 --> 16:47.671 We encourage them to get drunk, and they encourage us. 16:50.696 --> 16:51.437 And we go... 16:53.830 --> 17:05.712 wasting our energy and our lives away in gambling and drinking and carrying on friends in debauchery. 17:10.861 --> 17:13.667 That's probably the one that's the worst, the most dangerous. 17:13.767 --> 17:16.632 It's what we see probably most often where 17:18.316 --> 17:22.302 Friendship leads the friends to ruin. 17:23.243 --> 17:25.206 They lead each other down the wrong path. 17:27.469 --> 17:37.162 It's a problem. 17:39.746 --> 17:40.707 It's a danger, right? 17:40.748 --> 17:46.095 Because it's very easy to pick up such friends. 17:49.754 --> 17:50.455 How do we know? 17:50.816 --> 17:52.640 And this is the power of friendship. 17:52.920 --> 17:55.305 Friendship is about encouraging each other. 17:56.487 --> 18:08.370 It's very easy to get a friendship, to cultivate a friendship, to have friends who will lead you and encourage you to lead them down the wrong path. 18:09.852 --> 18:24.676 And if and when you decide that you've got a moral compass and you start to get an idea of what's right and what's wrong, what's good and what's bad, what's to your benefit and to your detriment, this is something that shakes up a lot of friendships. 18:25.337 --> 18:29.464 Practicing meditation is sure to shake up old friendships. 18:31.250 --> 18:34.273 Because you start to realize that you weren't helping each other. 18:35.374 --> 18:38.716 You weren't bringing happiness, peace, freedom from suffering to each other. 18:38.777 --> 18:49.326 You were only entangling each other up in conflict and evil, for lack of a better word. 18:53.750 --> 18:54.830 So those are bad friends. 18:56.152 --> 19:00.075 Now, positively, the Buddha offered some advice on how to find good friends. 19:01.574 --> 19:03.376 He gave a list of four good friends. 19:07.442 --> 19:08.603 First is someone who's helpful. 19:10.145 --> 19:11.206 And this is a great friend. 19:11.887 --> 19:13.029 Someone who supports you. 19:16.553 --> 19:20.278 When you don't notice something's wrong, they protect you. 19:25.765 --> 19:27.868 They protect you, they protect your 19:28.878 --> 19:38.955 They protect your life, they protect your possessions, they will be conscious of your benefit. 19:38.975 --> 19:41.159 I mean that's a rare thing, a great thing. 19:42.160 --> 19:44.985 Something to be emulated, something to be respected. 19:46.207 --> 19:51.055 Someone who looks after you, someone who thinks of you and your benefit and your detriment. 19:54.005 --> 19:59.752 And in times of danger, they are a refuge, a person who you can go to when you have problems. 20:05.499 --> 20:07.021 Someone who goes the extra mile. 20:07.942 --> 20:12.848 When you ask for help, they give more than what was asked. 20:12.868 --> 20:23.421 This is a sign of a good friend, a sign of someone who is really rare and to be emulated, to be praised, to be associated with. 20:25.510 --> 20:30.503 Not just because of what you can get from them, but because this is someone with a good heart that should be emulated. 20:31.225 --> 20:38.023 And if friends, any two friends are like this, then they both, of course, gain. 20:39.748 --> 20:40.991 And we're always helping each other. 20:41.031 --> 20:41.713 We both gain. 20:44.663 --> 20:51.132 The second is someone who is unmoved in good times and bad, right? 20:51.152 --> 20:53.656 Because you've got the fair weather friend, I think is the word. 20:54.157 --> 21:00.967 Someone who, in good times they're with you, but when things go wrong, they're out. 21:00.987 --> 21:03.290 Someone who doesn't stick with you when the going gets tough. 21:06.995 --> 21:10.621 Someone who doesn't stick with you when problems arise. 21:10.661 --> 21:12.223 Well, this is a person who's not like that. 21:14.650 --> 21:18.816 A person who tells you their secrets, guards your secrets. 21:21.960 --> 21:24.904 Who does not let you down in misfortune. 21:26.747 --> 21:29.250 Someone who is with you through thick and thin. 21:33.677 --> 21:35.820 Who might even sacrifice their life for you. 21:36.120 --> 21:39.865 And that's the sort of friend that is hard to find. 21:40.827 --> 21:41.788 Someone who 21:43.928 --> 21:44.689 cares for you. 21:47.252 --> 21:49.494 Someone who has this wish to see you happy. 21:50.395 --> 21:52.277 And that's what friendship is for, right? 21:55.761 --> 22:01.347 That's what true friendship should be for, not like any relationship. 22:01.367 --> 22:03.209 Not, what can I get from this person? 22:03.769 --> 22:04.450 That doesn't work. 22:06.412 --> 22:11.117 Any two friends who are inclined to wonder what the other person can give to them, 22:13.544 --> 22:20.674 will be a friendship of always lack or wanting. 22:23.038 --> 22:25.922 Whereas if both friends are thinking, what can I do for this person? 22:26.603 --> 22:28.525 How can I make them happy? 22:28.545 --> 22:31.009 What can I do to bring good to them? 22:32.231 --> 22:32.932 Then both gain. 22:39.501 --> 22:41.644 The third is a friend who 22:43.244 --> 22:44.366 points out what is good. 22:44.386 --> 23:11.226 And this is the best friend, number three here, but it's really the one that in Buddhism, when we talk about a good friend, I mean someone who points out good, someone who teaches or instructs, advises you, someone who you can go to for advice, who has a good head on their shoulders and much to say about right and wrong, good and bad, that is of benefit, that's of value. 23:13.990 --> 23:18.417 Perhaps not someone who preaches, but someone who is good for giving advice. 23:18.777 --> 23:20.920 Someone who has their head on straight, who knows. 23:24.365 --> 23:26.268 Who has things to tell. 23:28.472 --> 23:29.874 They keep you from wrongdoing. 23:29.894 --> 23:32.297 They support you in doing good. 23:32.357 --> 23:35.182 They give you encouragement when you do good things. 23:38.146 --> 23:39.528 They tell you things you don't know. 23:39.728 --> 23:41.171 Now that's a rare friend, right? 23:41.832 --> 23:42.833 Someone who has 23:44.433 --> 23:51.401 who is able to teach you, to give you knowledge that you didn't have. 23:56.027 --> 24:00.352 And finally, they lead you to happiness. 24:01.092 --> 24:03.896 They lead you on to what is good. 24:06.278 --> 24:07.700 It's the measure of wisdom, right? 24:07.760 --> 24:13.647 It's the measure of a friend who is wise, 24:14.673 --> 24:23.545 is that the things they tell you bring you peace and happiness and freedom from suffering. 24:23.565 --> 24:31.656 And the fourth type of true friend is the sympathetic friend, one who sympathizes with you. 24:32.618 --> 24:36.363 They don't rejoice at your misfortune, they rejoice in your good fortune. 24:37.745 --> 24:40.208 Someone who has mudita, 24:41.032 --> 24:42.194 True mudita, right? 24:42.434 --> 24:46.521 Not just someone who says it, but someone who's really happy when they hear. 24:46.702 --> 24:54.394 Someone who you know when you tell them good things that you've done, good things that have happened to you, that you know that they're happy for you. 24:54.414 --> 24:56.318 They stop others who speak against you. 24:56.358 --> 25:01.186 When someone says something bad about you, they protect you, they correct them. 25:01.787 --> 25:05.453 And when others speak in praise, they agree, they commend such people. 25:09.888 --> 25:14.960 It's a fairly simple and not a terribly deep teaching. 25:14.980 --> 25:21.957 I think it's important we go over various aspects of Buddhism. 25:22.238 --> 25:26.648 This is a very practical teaching, one that most of us can relate to. 25:28.079 --> 25:44.796 But the deeper teaching, I think, is about how the mind works in cultivating friendship, both being friendly and in clinging to people, identifying, this is my friend, which is, of course, problematic. 25:44.956 --> 25:46.437 Of course, it's great to be friendly. 25:46.477 --> 25:46.938 It's good. 25:47.058 --> 25:49.000 It's wholesome to be friendly towards all. 25:49.040 --> 25:57.428 But to cling to someone just because they're a friend, it's never a good reason in any way. 25:58.994 --> 26:00.858 at any rate, in any case. 26:03.784 --> 26:07.071 Even good people, we shouldn't cling to them just because they're our friends. 26:07.511 --> 26:16.951 We should cultivate their friendship because it's for the ultimate gain. 26:18.294 --> 26:20.839 Cultivating peace, happiness, freedom from suffering. 26:22.903 --> 26:25.649 So there you go, a little bit on friendship. 26:26.711 --> 26:28.815 Thank you all for tuning in.