1 00:00:00,773 --> 00:00:07,729 I've been thinking about asking for a girl's number who's been staring at me, who I've been terrified of, even with meditation. 2 00:00:07,769 --> 00:00:13,703 Since I fear her, it is a question, should I confront her or would that pursuit backfire? 3 00:00:22,357 --> 00:00:24,121 giving dating advice. 4 00:00:24,181 --> 00:00:25,083 I can get in trouble here. 5 00:00:25,784 --> 00:00:36,107 If I give you advice as to how to hook up with someone, it's a serious offense of the window. 6 00:00:36,127 --> 00:00:39,454 So I certainly can't tell you how to get the girl. 7 00:00:44,277 --> 00:00:45,499 Someone's already given an answer. 8 00:00:45,559 --> 00:00:46,660 Be brave and talk to her. 9 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,443 Girls love guys who are confident. 10 00:00:48,723 --> 00:00:55,873 Yeah, see, if I said something like that, I could be in serious trouble from the women's point of view, just to let you know. 11 00:01:01,642 --> 00:01:03,584 So it's a difficult question to answer. 12 00:01:03,604 --> 00:01:07,951 They shouldn't fear people at all. 13 00:01:08,872 --> 00:01:11,095 And you could create a harmonious relationship 14 00:01:13,336 --> 00:01:19,584 outside of romance, if you were to talk to her, that's where I would go with it. 15 00:01:21,367 --> 00:01:26,053 I think the best advice you can give to someone is to create friendships. 16 00:01:26,874 --> 00:01:31,160 Whether romance occurs or not, it's not really going to make you happy. 17 00:01:31,180 --> 00:01:33,043 In fact, it often makes you miserable. 18 00:01:33,984 --> 00:01:38,029 But friendship will never, true friendship will never make you miserable. 19 00:01:38,650 --> 00:01:40,693 Love for people will never make you miserable. 20 00:01:41,922 --> 00:01:44,266 But you have to be able to separate love from attachment. 21 00:01:44,947 --> 00:01:48,132 Most of what we think of as love is not really love, attachment. 22 00:01:50,115 --> 00:01:51,777 Or it's the two mixed together. 23 00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:58,247 So yeah, and I think that should help you with your fear as well. 24 00:01:58,307 --> 00:02:08,503 If you looked at it as a chance to make a friend, or a chance to cultivate 25 00:02:08,905 --> 00:02:31,656 loving kindness if you want to call it loving kindness if you have if you if you aren't afraid of losing something you see because why are you afraid because of how you look because of how she'll what she'll think of you because of 26 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,959 You don't know how to act or so on. 27 00:02:35,041 --> 00:02:35,782 That's the big deal. 28 00:02:35,802 --> 00:02:37,144 I mean, that's the big deal with everything. 29 00:02:37,184 --> 00:02:38,485 Why fear comes up? 30 00:02:38,505 --> 00:02:39,607 Because you're afraid of failure. 31 00:02:39,647 --> 00:02:40,848 You're afraid of looking bad. 32 00:02:40,889 --> 00:02:42,330 You're afraid of people laughing at you. 33 00:02:43,071 --> 00:02:50,662 The biggest lesson I learned as a teacher was to stop being afraid of people laughing at me and criticizing me. 34 00:02:50,682 --> 00:02:56,229 It's such a wonderful thing to have people say bad things about you. 35 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,213 It's just so liberating. 36 00:03:00,323 --> 00:03:02,646 Because there's only one answer to say, who cares? 37 00:03:06,692 --> 00:03:09,756 If someone calls you a buffalo, just turn around and see if you've got a tail. 38 00:03:11,519 --> 00:03:13,321 If you've got a tail, okay, you're a buffalo. 39 00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:15,885 If you don't, why are you upset? 40 00:03:17,066 --> 00:03:20,151 And that's really the deal, is many times the criticism is valid. 41 00:03:20,211 --> 00:03:22,534 People criticize you, and it's valid. 42 00:03:22,574 --> 00:03:25,198 It's like, wow, well, yes, that's the truth. 43 00:03:25,218 --> 00:03:26,820 And if it's not, it's not. 44 00:03:27,037 --> 00:03:27,918 But that's all it is. 45 00:03:28,359 --> 00:03:36,471 If you say something really stupid and you act like an idiot and the girl realizes, oh God, this guy is socially inept. 46 00:03:36,491 --> 00:03:37,953 Well, okay, so you're socially inept. 47 00:03:37,973 --> 00:03:38,393 Who cares? 48 00:03:38,974 --> 00:03:39,795 Really, that's the question. 49 00:03:39,836 --> 00:03:40,236 Who cares? 50 00:03:40,256 --> 00:03:47,727 What is the problem with being incompetent, useless, meaningless? 51 00:03:49,069 --> 00:03:52,314 I think that's the most liberating thing is to realize how useless you are. 52 00:03:54,998 --> 00:03:56,740 To realize that you're 53 00:03:58,593 --> 00:04:00,055 You have no value whatsoever. 54 00:04:00,075 --> 00:04:02,399 I think I gave a talk on that once. 55 00:04:02,499 --> 00:04:03,841 I've certainly talked about it before. 56 00:04:03,881 --> 00:04:07,126 I think that's a wonderful thing, to realize that you have no value. 57 00:04:07,967 --> 00:04:11,933 It goes so contrary to what we're taught in modern societies. 58 00:04:11,993 --> 00:04:13,135 You are valuable. 59 00:04:13,235 --> 00:04:14,236 You are special. 60 00:04:18,663 --> 00:04:20,165 Oh, wasn't there a talk? 61 00:04:20,225 --> 00:04:21,968 Someone posted a talk. 62 00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:48,630 recently this guy gave a valedictorian address where I don't remember what it was about or if it was even Buddhist but there was one part that was kind of intriguing he says you're all taught that you're special and I want to tell you you're not and so the whole talk was about how you're not special because if you're special then you've got a reputation to maintain 63 00:04:49,522 --> 00:04:53,087 You've got something to live up to, something to cling to. 64 00:04:56,772 --> 00:04:57,573 You're not special. 65 00:04:58,294 --> 00:05:02,820 You're just a lump of flesh on a rock. 66 00:05:05,383 --> 00:05:09,008 Big rock. 67 00:05:09,028 --> 00:05:10,831 In a remote corner of the galaxy. 68 00:05:12,173 --> 00:05:13,014 Mostly harmless. 69 00:05:15,417 --> 00:05:18,381 That's all we are. 70 00:05:18,968 --> 00:05:26,436 When you can think like that, then you should have no trouble. 71 00:05:27,197 --> 00:05:43,035 When you have no expectations and no desires, that's where the best friendships come, when you have no desires and no expectations, even for friendship, where you give people the opportunity to benefit from your presence, where you 72 00:05:44,838 --> 00:05:52,705 give people your service and your help as they ask for it, and as their need becomes apparent. 73 00:05:53,546 --> 00:06:00,392 But don't look for anything more, and don't cling to them, and don't pull them, and don't try to keep them or hold them or anything. 74 00:06:00,432 --> 00:06:02,835 This is so much suffering and stress. 75 00:06:08,179 --> 00:06:12,043 Ajahn Brahmavangsa, he said something 76 00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,402 quite clever about this. 77 00:06:15,583 --> 00:06:17,605 He asked a question, who is the most important person? 78 00:06:20,489 --> 00:06:27,817 And his answer was, I think I disagree that actually the most important person is yourself. 79 00:06:28,999 --> 00:06:36,968 And if all of us, because the Buddha clearly said that you're to look after your own behavior, for example. 80 00:06:36,988 --> 00:06:38,951 Do your own work. 81 00:06:38,971 --> 00:06:40,733 And that's what actually benefits others. 82 00:06:40,773 --> 00:06:40,933 But 83 00:06:42,415 --> 00:06:46,320 He certainly has a point when he says the most important person is whoever you're with. 84 00:06:49,004 --> 00:06:59,839 And it's an important point in the sense of not clinging to beings or people and saying, this is who I have to help, this is who I love, this is who I want to be with, and so on. 85 00:07:00,660 --> 00:07:02,262 And be with whoever you're with. 86 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,685 When you're with someone, be with them. 87 00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:07,489 When you're with someone else, be with someone else. 88 00:07:09,332 --> 00:07:11,815 Rather than cultivating friendships 89 00:07:12,503 --> 00:07:13,664 Cultivate friendship. 90 00:07:14,965 --> 00:07:15,506 There you go. 91 00:07:16,426 --> 00:07:17,327 There's a quote for you. 92 00:07:17,587 --> 00:07:20,910 Rather than cultivating friendships, cultivate friendship. 93 00:07:22,431 --> 00:07:23,032 Friendliness. 94 00:07:26,435 --> 00:07:28,176 Be the kind of friend that you'd like to have. 95 00:07:28,376 --> 00:07:29,537 Be that friend to everyone. 96 00:07:32,620 --> 00:07:34,101 And then you can't go wrong. 97 00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,643 I mean, and then this girl's staring is meaningless. 98 00:07:37,484 --> 00:07:39,126 Like, well, if she wants to stare at me, good for her. 99 00:07:39,166 --> 00:07:40,847 Maybe that makes her happy. 100 00:07:40,907 --> 00:07:42,088 I don't know. 101 00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:43,721 At any rate, it's none of my business. 102 00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:45,603 But if she needs my help, I'm there to give it. 103 00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:49,767 If she doesn't, well, there certainly will be someone who does. 104 00:07:51,909 --> 00:08:08,245 But when you focus on this girl and lady, woman, female being, it limits you, and it takes away your energies, and it creates all sorts of stress and fear, which is not good for either of you. 105 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:18,138 I would say go up and talk to her and create a more wholesome behavior. 106 00:08:20,441 --> 00:08:29,333 Because if someone's staring at you, I mean, well, it's kind of a reason to start a conversation, I don't know. 107 00:08:29,353 --> 00:08:41,809 But as a Buddhist monk, I'm bound to answer in terms of platonic relationships. 108 00:08:43,004 --> 00:08:47,330 I certainly don't have anything to recommend in terms of romance. 109 00:08:53,618 --> 00:09:06,074 And much to try to dissuade you from, much to speak against it, from experience and from practice and from theory. 110 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:10,159 Romance is really not where it's at.