1 00:00:00,166 --> 00:00:02,909 I've been practicing meditation for a few months. 2 00:00:03,810 --> 00:00:14,321 I feel much calmer, compassionate and thoughtful, but I feel alienated by my family as they think I'm putting on an act. 3 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:15,742 Any advice? 4 00:00:18,325 --> 00:00:22,829 Well, what do you think? 5 00:00:23,730 --> 00:00:26,393 I can only speak from personal experience. 6 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,724 I don't feel alienated from my family really. 7 00:00:31,806 --> 00:00:33,268 Have you tried talking to them? 8 00:00:46,450 --> 00:00:48,833 Yeah, I mean, acting normal helps. 9 00:00:52,299 --> 00:00:55,384 You don't have to act differently as a Buddhist or a meditator. 10 00:00:57,980 --> 00:01:00,504 Be happy, I think, is the best thing. 11 00:01:00,524 --> 00:01:01,546 People want you to be happy. 12 00:01:02,387 --> 00:01:06,093 If you're happy, they've got nothing they can say. 13 00:01:06,113 --> 00:01:12,062 But if you're calm and quiet, right, it's too conspicuous. 14 00:01:12,723 --> 00:01:13,385 So be happy. 15 00:01:14,146 --> 00:01:14,907 Laugh a little bit. 16 00:01:14,947 --> 00:01:15,448 Smile. 17 00:01:16,830 --> 00:01:17,551 Smile a lot. 18 00:01:19,855 --> 00:01:21,618 When someone says something nice, smile. 19 00:01:22,239 --> 00:01:25,624 I think that's what you learn, is you learn that people expect these cues. 20 00:01:26,262 --> 00:01:28,565 And you don't have to stop giving those cues. 21 00:01:28,845 --> 00:01:35,452 And in fact, the point is that you have a responsibility or a duty to provide those cues. 22 00:01:36,033 --> 00:01:44,922 Someone says something funny, expecting you to react, you have a responsibility to smile or something. 23 00:01:46,764 --> 00:01:49,327 Unless they're saying, I went and beat somebody up. 24 00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:50,248 Isn't that funny? 25 00:01:51,089 --> 00:01:54,733 And that's a case where you purposefully create conflict. 26 00:01:55,388 --> 00:01:58,491 in order to show something, or you might purposefully create conflict. 27 00:01:58,511 --> 00:02:03,035 But otherwise, you want to react appropriately. 28 00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:08,560 You don't want to actually react to it and find it funny, for example, when they tell a funny joke. 29 00:02:08,580 --> 00:02:10,802 But you want to smile and appreciate. 30 00:02:13,084 --> 00:02:20,610 Not exactly even appreciate, but extend your love to them, which is a part of our reactions, our friendliness. 31 00:02:20,690 --> 00:02:22,172 I mean, we expect this from each other. 32 00:02:22,232 --> 00:02:23,893 Monkeys expect this from each other. 33 00:02:25,460 --> 00:02:29,805 And they interpret the facial expressions. 34 00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:34,231 We interpret facial expressions habitually. 35 00:02:34,591 --> 00:02:36,954 So when you're not giving them, yeah, it's going to create conflict. 36 00:02:37,054 --> 00:02:39,357 The question is, why are you creating conflict? 37 00:02:39,377 --> 00:02:40,779 Do you want to create that conflict? 38 00:02:41,219 --> 00:02:42,261 In certain cases, you might. 39 00:02:42,501 --> 00:02:45,004 I mean, I try to create that conflict with my students sometimes. 40 00:02:45,605 --> 00:02:54,876 When students are getting boisterous and talking and chatting and so on, I might come in and look very serious. 41 00:02:55,447 --> 00:02:59,971 And if students are very upset, you want to seem very buoyant and hopeful. 42 00:03:00,352 --> 00:03:04,836 You want to give them hope and encouragement and say, oh, you're on the right path. 43 00:03:04,856 --> 00:03:05,357 Good for you. 44 00:03:06,838 --> 00:03:08,860 You want to sometimes create conflict. 45 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:14,666 But in regards to your family, who is antagonistic, no. 46 00:03:14,686 --> 00:03:22,433 For sure, the best thing you can do is to, it might seem like you're almost pretending 47 00:03:23,442 --> 00:03:52,622 but you're not you're and you'll get that eventually it'll come to you one way or the other because right now you're creating conflict and that's that's a cause for stress and eventually you'll work that out so what long-term meditators find is they learn how to give the cues without actually interrupted interrupting their meditation so they're able to have conversations with people and not be emotionally affected not think oh I've got to get out of here these people are boring the hell out of me 48 00:03:53,243 --> 00:03:58,367 No, they'll be like, this is suffering, and well, but everything's suffering. 49 00:03:58,387 --> 00:04:02,271 So they'll be happy, and they'll think of it as a meditation. 50 00:04:02,291 --> 00:04:13,421 This conversation is a meditation for them. 51 00:04:13,441 --> 00:04:15,282 OK, another question. 52 00:04:15,943 --> 00:04:16,143 Sorry. 53 00:04:17,404 --> 00:04:23,149 I just wonder if Owen has any thoughts on how to deal with family. 54 00:04:23,433 --> 00:04:47,027 my family pretty good about everything so I haven't met any obstructions just questioning and why and stuff like that and then confusion on traditions because everyone when you say about being a Buddhist they go what does the Dalai Lama think about this and that and I'm like well 55 00:04:47,665 --> 00:04:58,339 I don't really pay much attention to the Dalai Lama, and then I explain that there are different teachings, and I don't follow that kind of teaching. 56 00:04:59,460 --> 00:05:11,175 But like I say, a lot of the interaction I have with family is curiosity, questioning, and on my part is education. 57 00:05:11,662 --> 00:05:29,258 And from time to time I do read different discourses and dharma, and I do read to different family members and friends who are interested on different topics and find that very interesting. 58 00:05:31,721 --> 00:05:36,445 But yeah, on the whole it's all pretty good. 59 00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:41,550 What would you recommend to someone who doesn't have that positive interaction? 60 00:05:42,610 --> 00:05:48,476 who in this case has some sort of stress and conflict? 61 00:05:50,879 --> 00:05:55,504 I think it would be depending on what you're promoting outwards. 62 00:05:59,748 --> 00:06:10,440 If you're not kind of explaining your actions, if you're not taking part in 63 00:06:10,589 --> 00:06:16,919 in big family events or you're not sitting around watching a family movie together anymore, things like that. 64 00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:29,880 You know, it depends if you're, I would say, if you're following precepts, if you're sticking to the five precepts and you're trying to stay away from certain aspects. 65 00:06:32,164 --> 00:06:37,913 I would say in a family situation that could be, you know, 66 00:06:38,872 --> 00:06:43,880 interesting as such that one minute you were doing it all the time and now you're not doing it at all. 67 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:45,862 So why have you stopped doing that? 68 00:06:47,084 --> 00:07:03,529 I think that's mostly where some of the problems occur when you go from living your life in one way and then you kind of flick a switch and you're no longer participating as much as you were 69 00:07:05,247 --> 00:07:08,551 I think everyone's different in every situation. 70 00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:23,166 Yeah, I don't think it's wrong necessarily that you're creating this conflict, but you have to understand what you're doing when you create the conflict because it's leading you somewhere. 71 00:07:23,186 --> 00:07:24,788 It's leading you away from your family. 72 00:07:25,449 --> 00:07:27,871 Is your intention to become a monk and go and live in the forest? 73 00:07:27,972 --> 00:07:33,938 Well, that's probably where you're heading with this sort of behavior or it's the direction that you're heading. 74 00:07:34,559 --> 00:07:45,033 And that would be the appropriate move to make based on if you choose to act in this way. 75 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:57,951 Because once you're a monk living off in the forest, then, yeah, you really can get away with acting in that way, acting aloof, acting reserved. 76 00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:05,027 And if your family doesn't like it, well, it's really no skin off your back because you're a monk living off the forest. 77 00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:25,349 But if your decision is to remain, or if your situation is such that you have to stay with your parents, then it's not really to any point to create this stress. 78 00:08:25,409 --> 00:08:27,651 I mean, unless you 79 00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,885 It's functionally wrong. 80 00:08:31,925 --> 00:08:41,059 It's not like you have bad intentions toward them, but you're creating stress based on the incongruity of it, and it's going to break things up. 81 00:08:42,801 --> 00:08:48,890 It might encourage your family to meditate more, but it might cause them to turn away. 82 00:08:48,950 --> 00:08:53,417 It can actually be too hard for them. 83 00:08:53,517 --> 00:08:59,646 So the point is you have to... An arahant, for example, acts appropriately in every situation. 84 00:09:00,082 --> 00:09:06,930 and understands clearly how to deal with individual people. 85 00:09:06,950 --> 00:09:08,352 You can't deal with everyone the same. 86 00:09:08,973 --> 00:09:13,598 So for some people, acting reserved and aloof is a bad thing. 87 00:09:14,339 --> 00:09:27,996 If a person is already antagonistic, and suppose it's a family member who thinks you're being brainwashed, well, to act as though you're brainwashed is probably not going to endear you or your practice to them. 88 00:09:29,174 --> 00:09:44,515 If on the other hand you're open and interactive with them, you might very well bring them around and be able to at least come to some sort of harmony, some level of harmony with them. 89 00:09:47,519 --> 00:09:55,570 So yeah, what I would suggest is take each situation as distinct. 90 00:09:56,174 --> 00:09:57,456 try to act appropriately. 91 00:09:57,516 --> 00:10:10,173 If you want to create tension in certain situations in order to help people understand how their behaviors are causing problems for them and for other people, sometimes conflict can be useful. 92 00:10:10,954 --> 00:10:21,548 But if the conflict is just creating more antagonism, then, yeah, it's probably not a skillful response to the situation. 93 00:10:23,310 --> 00:10:24,932 And it's not something that an Arahant would do. 94 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:25,573 It's just a 95 00:10:26,482 --> 00:10:28,926 meditative state. 96 00:10:29,748 --> 00:10:38,703 Now, as you get more and more meditative, you're going to incline more and more towards the monastic life, so eventually it's going to get very, very difficult to live at home. 97 00:10:39,224 --> 00:10:48,460 One example is this man who became an anagami, and so he had this sort of difficulty. 98 00:10:48,821 --> 00:10:51,966 He didn't, he wasn't at all accustomed to 99 00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,701 how to deal with people after becoming an anagami. 100 00:10:55,721 --> 00:11:07,753 It wasn't that he was deluded or anything, but he didn't have a response or a means of interacting with people. 101 00:11:09,175 --> 00:11:21,227 And he may not have had any desire to find the response to interact with them, because when he came home, he went to listen to the Buddha's teaching, became an anagami, came back home, and his wife was waiting for him at the door. 102 00:11:21,697 --> 00:11:50,100 and he just walked right past her and without saying hello, without giving the usual embrace and sat down at the table to eat his dinner and he ate dinner in silence and then he went upstairs and he lay down on the floor to sleep wouldn't even get into bed with her and as a result she was totally overwhelmed and 103 00:11:51,987 --> 00:11:55,474 distraught by this, unable to cope with this. 104 00:11:55,514 --> 00:11:58,720 And he knew that this was no good. 105 00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:06,716 He then realized, he said, if I don't tell her, she's probably going to go crazy or freak out or even kill herself or something. 106 00:12:08,099 --> 00:12:12,628 Because he was really freaked out by this, which, understandably, when someone changes 107 00:12:13,250 --> 00:12:37,553 so completely so drastically but it's a situation where he could get away with this because there wasn't she had no support but him so he could shock her in this way to bring her around maybe without even intending it but the situation allowed for it so that once she was freaked out he was able to 108 00:12:39,338 --> 00:12:42,362 to pass the Dhamma along to her. 109 00:12:42,802 --> 00:12:45,546 He then said, look, here's how it is. 110 00:12:45,566 --> 00:12:54,357 I've listened to the Buddha's teaching and have now given up all attachment to sensual pleasures. 111 00:12:57,361 --> 00:13:03,428 I'm happy to stay with you and I'll treat you as a brother, I'll treat you as a sister if you want. 112 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,253 And if you choose to 113 00:13:08,026 --> 00:13:10,289 find another husband, I will certainly not object. 114 00:13:10,810 --> 00:13:15,157 So he gave her complete freedom and used that to reassure her. 115 00:13:16,679 --> 00:13:29,759 As a result, her response to this was to ask him whether women could also practice this teaching of the Buddha and realize it for themselves. 116 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:32,403 And he said, yeah, sure, anyone can. 117 00:13:34,185 --> 00:13:36,649 Maybe he didn't say it like that, but he said, yes, anyone can. 118 00:13:37,625 --> 00:13:41,349 And so she asked him if she could go to the monastery. 119 00:13:41,449 --> 00:13:43,170 And he took her to see the Buddha, I think. 120 00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:51,839 And I can't remember whether she became an arahant at first or she became a bhikkhuni, but she actually asked to ordain. 121 00:13:52,239 --> 00:13:53,160 He didn't ordain. 122 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:56,383 He stayed at home and continued to live as a layperson. 123 00:13:56,884 --> 00:14:01,729 And she ordained as a bhikkhuni, and either before or after that became an arahant. 124 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:06,113 And there's a sutta, the Tulavedana Sutta, 125 00:14:06,717 --> 00:14:13,183 that's attributed to her and her conversation, later conversation with her husband. 126 00:14:14,084 --> 00:14:16,326 Her name was Damadinna, no, was it? 127 00:14:17,307 --> 00:14:18,028 Was it Damadinna? 128 00:14:18,048 --> 00:14:18,588 I think it was. 129 00:14:19,429 --> 00:14:24,214 And her husband was, yes, and her husband was Wisaka. 130 00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:26,416 And so there's this conversation between the two of them. 131 00:14:28,137 --> 00:14:32,001 So in certain cases the conflict can be useful. 132 00:14:32,041 --> 00:14:36,285 But I'm assuming you're not an anagami and 133 00:14:37,058 --> 00:14:45,890 You know, you might want to take it slowly and cautiously so that you don't create too much disruption because that can get in your way. 134 00:14:45,971 --> 00:14:52,940 It can create resentment and negativity towards the Buddhist teaching, which is very harmful for people. 135 00:14:53,561 --> 00:14:57,567 You don't want people to have a bad impression of meditation and meditators. 136 00:15:01,773 --> 00:15:06,880 So, yeah, I mean, it's not your fault, but you might want to be a little bit skillful about it. 137 00:15:07,265 --> 00:15:18,439 at least until you are able to find a lifestyle that allows you to be aloof and meditative without creating conflict.